This Is Not A Kibbutz Gan
Research and Reflection: The Children of Battered Women
Mariel Boyarsky
When I agreed to intern at the Battered Women’s Shelter in Haifa, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. It’s not that I expected the work to be easy, nor was I under any illusions that I wouldn’t be bothered or affected by what I would experience there. Working with any group of people who have suffered so much is bound to be a difficult, even haunting experience--although it can certainly be gratifying work as well. But although I entered that gray, anonymous building that first day ready to roll my sleeves up and work, it turned out that I wasn’t as prepared for the job as I’d thought.
Nessia, the director of the Shelter, sat me down in her office at the end of a small hallway that housed therapy rooms and more offices, which were crammed with computers, chairs, couches, desks, printers, drawers stuffed with files or candy or games or arts and crafts materials, and more often than not, a good mix of people. This was the crowded hodgepodge through which employees, mothers, children, babies, interns, and volunteers were constantly moving, bumping into one another, conversing loudly, trying to work or grab someone’s attention or resolve a conflict or ask a question…The place could be completely overwhelming sometimes.
Amid all this chaos, the two of us sat down on that first morning in the relative calm and quiet behind the closed door of her office (although I’m certain there were the perpetual few mothers and children waiting outside the office for me to finish so they could ask a question or present a problem to Nessia). She spoke with me in Hebrew, a language I’m still struggling to master, but a language in which I worked exclusively while at the Shelter. We’re so glad to have you working here, she said. We particularly need your help in grant writing and working with the children. Do you have any experience in those areas?
I did, sort of. I’m a Gender Studies and Linguistics major, an avid reader, a good writer. I’ve done my fair share of work with children. I related my experience to Nessia as best I could using my awkward Hebrew. I’ve done a lot of babysitting. I have a younger sister and lots of younger cousins. I was a swim instructor at a day camp. I taught Hebrew School and given Spanish and French lessons. I’ve tutored kids privately. And most recently, I worked at a kibbutz gan, where I had to speak to the children in Hebrew, as I was required of me at the Shelter.
And yet despite all my qualifications, I felt nothing but shock and discouragement after my first few days working with the children at Haifa’s Batted Women’s Shelter. It wasn’t like any other job I’d ever had working with children; the behavior of these kids was appalling. They were violent with me and amongst themselves; they rarely listened to what I told them to do; many of them transgressed normal notions of personal space in physical and even sexual ways; even the way they played imaginatively was an interesting insight to the trauma and abuse they had witnessed or experienced in their past.
It was often hard to keep my temper, to remain assertive without being aggressive, or to keep from blaming these children for their own behavior. Why did these kids give me such a hard time when I had been so successful working with kids in different kinds of situations in the past? Why was their behavior so bad, and of what underlying conditions was it indicative?
Debra J. Pepler, Rose Catallo, and Timothy E. Moore bring insight to the topic in an article entitled “Consider the Children: Research Informing Interventions for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence.” The authors point to previous research that suggests that children exposed to domestic violence are more likely to display externalizing behavior problems such as “temper tantrums, impulsivity, hyperactivity, aggression, conflict with siblings and peers[…]and bullying” (Pepler). I saw much of this behavior both in my work with 3-6-year-old children in the Shelter’s gan, and in my work with older, school-aged children.
Much of the children’s violent or aggressive behavior is simply learned. Pepler et al. write:
For children growing up in violent homes, there are numerous potential lessons that result from regular exposure to family violence. First, children may learn that it is acceptable to be abusive and that violence is an effective way to get what you want. Children may learn that violence is sometimes justified.”
The children with whom I worked were witnesses to violent behavior on a regular basis, and for an extended period of time. It should come to no surprise, then, that many of them adopted aspects of this behavior. For many of them, acting out in violent and aggressive ways was the principal and/or immediate way in which they responded to a negative situation. (By negative situation, I mean one in which the child was displeased, either with me/my behavior or with any of the other children or their behavior.) Take Yisral for instance.
Yisrael is a 5-year-old child from a Russian family, fluent in Russian and Hebrew, with a small, eager face and an adorable lisp. High on the list of his favorite activities at the gan is to run back and forth across the room as fast as possible, while pushing a toy school bus in front of him. Yair, a quiet, sensitive boy and an only child, also loves that school bus. But if Yair were to express interest in the bus while Yisrael was playing with it, Yisrael’s immediate action would be to raise an arm to hit. It was almost like a reflex—every time, without fail, the arm would fling up (and more often than not, it would also come down in a series of aggressive smacks); Yisrael never paused to think about this action. If I came over to ask him to play a bit more quietly (that bus flying across the floor could make quite a racket) or join a group activity, the arm would go up against me, and he seemed to have as few qualms hitting me as he did hitting his peers.
Pepler et al. mention several familial and societal relationships that could have significant effects on the behavior of children of batted women. Of particular importance are the mother-child relationship and the sibling relationship, both of which I will examine in detail and relate to my own experiences and observations working with the children housed in the Haifa Batted Women’s Shelter.
While the violence of the fathers in these families can be detrimental to the well-being of the children and is often a source of severe developmental setbacks, a healthy mother-child relationship “can have a protective influence, buffering the effects of witnessing family violence” (Pepler). Pepler and his colleagues found that children whose mothers used less verbal aggression while speaking to them were better-adjusted, while children whose mothers were depressed and/or used a greater degree of verbal violence while speaking to them had a more difficult time adjusting. [CITE PEPLER AND MOORE 1998 and 1995]
Also having a significant effect on the adjustment and behavior of the children is the relationship they have with their siblings. Pepler et. al write that in families where domestic violence is present, sibling relationships are
very salient in children’s lives in both a positive and potentially negative sense. On the one hand, siblings can be a source of comfort and support. The close relationship between siblings may act as a buffer to the impact of marital discord (Jenkinds & Smith, 1991). On the other hand, the sibling relationship has the potential to exacerbate children’s aggressive behavior problems (Patterson, 1986).
Older siblings often take their younger brothers and sisters under their wing and attempt to protect them or watch over them when violence breaks out. This can certainly be beneficial to the younger siblings, but sometimes the older children will feel an unhealthy amount of pressure, stress, or responsibility. Another problem that may arise between siblings is a power dynamic that could mirror the father-mother power dynamic between the parents. This could also become a source of aggression (for older siblings) or terror (for younger siblings).
I haven’t conducted any formal determining to what extent familial and societal relationships have affected the behavior of the children housed in the Haifa Batted Women’s Shelter. However, I do have several months of observation, working with these children two to three hours a day three times a week. The bulk of the time that I worked at the Shelter, there were six children in the gan: Yisrael, Yair, Avraham, Ya’ad, Shirel, and Oranit. The children’s behavior did vary from day to day, and presumably based on factors such as: which children were at the gan; what activities I had planned for the day; what went on in the morning gan; what was going on in the Shelter or within their families (with their mothers and siblings); whether they had recently seen their fathers, etc. However, generally speaking the behavior of each child was constant and even predictable on a day-to-day basis (although I did witness a small number of long-term behavioral changes in some of the children). I also had some degree of regular contact with the mothers and was usually able to observe the ways in which the mothers and their children interacted at the Shelter. I regularly at lunch in the dining hall with all the families, and I was at the shelter for a total of more than 16 hours a week, during which I witnessed many mother-child interactions.
Yisrael is one child whose behavior did change during the course of the time that I worked there. In fact, he became more violent and aggressive as time went on. This was in direct contrast to Avraham’s behavior, which actually improved over time. As I mentioned previously, Yisrael, a fully bilingual 5-year-old, came from a Russian family. He had two older siblings, Violeta and Eddie, in grades 4 and 6 respectively. His mother was quite proficient in Hebrew, although she was much more comfortable in Russian.
From what I saw, Yisrael’s mother was a patient woman with good intentions, who always tried to make the best decisions regarding her children. She had several problems regarding Violeta, who had severe trouble adjusting both to life at school and in the Shelter, and who was struggling academically as well. She certainly had no easy time with Yisrael, either, who would often engage in violent or disruptive behavior in the gan. That said, for the most part her verbal aggression remained relatively low. Although she did occasionally scold her children, I rarely if ever witnessed her doing it in a verbally violent manner.
As the youngest child of three, Yisrael’s interactions with his siblings may have had more influence on his behavior than his interactions with his mother. His brother and sister, both significantly older, had one father; Yisrael’s father was the batterer. Violeta took up a lot of the mother’s time and energy, as she had so many adjustment issues, and this may have had negative effects on her younger brother’s behavior. These issues may have been genetic (manifesting themselves in maladjustment and poor social skills in Violeta, and in behavioral problems in Yisrael), or he may have acted out in order to receive more attention. Indeed, on several occasions I had to call Yisrael’s mother to pick him up early because he was behaving so badly and violently, and she was in the habit of taking her son for private walks when this was the case. Yisrael enjoyed these walks, and though it was probably good for him to have some one-on-one time with his mother, he probably also thought of being picked up early as a reward or a treat, rather than a punishment. At times, his bad behavior may have been a means to receive this treat.
Despite the ways in which having two older siblings may have negatively affected Yisrael, it is my impression that he generally got along well with both of them. In fact, there were certain times when Eddie was able to calm his brother down and get him to behave when the rest of us couldn’t. I have a difficult time chalking up Yisrael’s bad behavior to his relationships with his mother and siblings. While dynamics in these relationships may have played significant parts in determining Yisrael’s behavior, in the end I think it’s important to turn back to the mother-father and child-father relationship systems for answers.
Avraham is another interesting case. Bilingual in English and Hebrew, he is the brother of Yehoshua,, and infat. His mother comes from New Zealand and the family was in Israel for only a few months before Celeste and Avraham arrived at the Shelter. They were the only people at the Shelter who came from a religious background.
Avraham was one of the children who had been housed at the shelter the longest while I worked there. At first, he had a whole host of behavioral problems. He was an extremely violent child, often resorting to kicking, biting, hitting, and punching. His behavior improved enormously over the months that I worked with him, although at the end he still occasionally engaged in this sort of behavior. He was prone to tantrums, and he could me the calmest, sweetest child one moment and completely lose it the next moment. He was definitely a leader in the gan; the other children generally liked him, wanted to play with him, and listened to his ideas (even more than they would listen to me or the other students). He had a fabulous imagination, and loved to play pretend, often engaging the other children in enacting dynamic and colorful scenarios,
The relationship between Avraham and Celeste seems to have a more direct affect on Avraham’s behavior (in contrast to what we saw with Yisrael). First of all, Celeste used a much higher degree of verbal aggression in speaking with her son than did Olga, Yisrael’s mother, in speaking with her own son. For instance, on the first night of Chanukah there was a special Chanukah party for everybody at the Shelter. All the children received large paper cones stuffed with toys and candy. Everyone was seated in the dining hall for the lighting of the Chanukiah, the children’s faces bright and excited, all of them thrilled with their gifts. Avraham tossed his cone into the air, and it almost came down in my face—an accident. Celeste snatched the cone away from her son, who began to scream and cry, kicking the table and yelling, “I want my candy!”
“NO!” Celeste shouted, dragging Avraham up the stairs by the arm. “You’re not going to poke someone’s eye out with that cone, I won’t let you!”
Certainly not the best way to deal with the situation, especially considering that it was an accident. Not only did Celeste display a quick temper and high verbal aggression, she also used physical force to remove her son from the scene. It is easy to see where Avraham is learning much of his aggressive behavior; not only was his father a violent man, his mother is quick to react with verbal violence and physical force as well.
Celeste was one of the most difficult women at the Shelter. She was often depressed and languid, and didn’t seem to be improving much. She often needed to be reminded to take care of Yehoshua, or to pick Avraham up from the gan. She expressed a desire to return to New Zealand, didn’t speak much Hebrew at all, and generally seemed extremely dissatisfied with life at the shelter (or with life in general). Pepler et al write that “the problem facing both the mothers and children[…]is that women who are abused have few resources to bring to the extremely demanding task of parenting. Thus, in addition to the abuse they have to deal with, these women often experience a myriad of additional stressors.” This description seems particularly fitting for Celeste, who must have found it difficult to take advantage of the few resources available to her before she came to the Shelter, due to language barriers. She had difficulty communicating with the other mothers, and no doubt she missed home and was not adjusting well to life in Israel.
All this doubtless put Avraham in an extremely uncomfortable situation. His mother took little interest in him, and when she did she was sharp to him more often than not. He saw his father, a batterer, for half an hour twice each month. For a while there was some deliberation as to whether Avraham would go live with his father, but the boy violently opposed the idea. In short, he did not get on well with either of his parents, and there was nobody but Shelter staff to look after him.
Avraham loved attention; he loved being hugged. While I was working on grants, he would often meander into my office, climb onto my lap, and envelop me in a hug. He was always reluctant to let go, and seldom listened to the staff when, after hugging him back, they asked him to leave their offices. Much of Avraham’s behavior can be interpreted as pleas for attention. He was all but starved for love—his mother ignored him, his father was absent. His violent behavior, too, won him a lot of attention.
I suspect that he may have been sexually abused as well, as far as I could tell from his behavior. Avraham was constantly touching and hugging, but he would sometimes take this too far—touching or reaching for staff’s breasts, for example. He would ask questions and express curiosity about sexuality. Much of this behavior probably also stemmed from the fact that he came from a religious background, and before he arrived at the Shelter, he had little interaction with the female gender. On several occasions he would mount a child lying on the floor, as though he were humping him or her. On the most severe occasion, Avraham and Oranit succeeded in pulling down Yair’s pants. The morning kindergarten teacher found the two of them touching his penis.
It is sad that these children are suffering so much because of their unfortunate pasts. But for all six children in the gan, intervention has already occurred. By choosing to come to a Shelter, the mothers are working to put their lives and the lives of their families back on track. The Shelter helps the mothers to heal, to make healthy choices, to learn how to care for their children once again. Children, slowly but steadily, learn social skills, life skills, and good behavior. They, too, can begin to heal once they arrive at the Shelter.
Hopefully the rough sketches I have provided of two of the children has helped supply insight onto some of the problems faced by children of battered women, their mothers, and their caretakers. These problems are serious and real, but they can be overcome. Battered Women’s Shelters like the one in Haifa are saving lives and making a difference for victims of domestic violence. Working for the Shelter, although extremely challenging and often frustrating, was also a rewarding learning experience.
Works Cited
Pepler, Debra J., Rose Catallo, and Timothy E. Moore. “Consider the Children: Research
Informing Interventions for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence.” Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma. (2000): 37-57.
Works Referenced
Fantuzzo, John W., Wanda K. Mohr, and Megan J. Noone. “Making the Invisible
Victims of Violence Against Women Visible Through University/Community
Partnerships.” Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma. (2000): 9-23.
Jaffe, Peter G., Marlies Sudermann, and Robert Geffner. “Emerging Issues for Children
Exposed to Domestic Violence.” Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma. (2000): 1-7.
Levendosky, Alytia A. and Sandra A. Graham-Bermann. “Trauma and Parenting in
Battered Women: An Addition to an Ecological Model of Parenting.” Journal of
Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma. (2000): 25-35.
